Cross it off the bucket list – I finally got to see a taping of the Ellen Degeneres Show!!! It was magical, and in my opinion, completely meant to be.
I haven’t written a deeper blog post in quite some time, but I was really compelled to write this one because it means so much to me. I think these posts give you a better sense of who I am as a human, beyond the filtered, stylized pictures. I’m writing this for anyone who has lost a relative, maybe even particularly a parent and can relate in one way or another. I’m also writing for the people who haven’t, so maybe they can have a better understanding of what people in their own lives are going through. That’s one of my major WHY’S for starting goldilonglocks – to inspire connection while being raw, honest, and open on my journey. When in the deep end, the vulnerability and openness of others hardships has allowed me perspective and given me endless inspiration to keep going. I wish to offer the same for others.
Along those lines, I also want to say that I talk about grief and loss openly, not for pity or to sadden anyone, but quite the opposite – I want to normalize expression. If you have gone through loss, you may know the gravity of endless emotions that come with it. We need each other to heal, and we need to not feel shut down when we talk about things that bring us healing. It’s life and what comes with it. If we can accept it, we can instead see the beauty and inspiration hidden within it – there is so much to be grateful for. So it’s okay to smile when I mention my dad 🙂 – I definitely do!
Here it is: why this experience was MEANT TO BE: When my dad was ill, the ONLY thing he wanted to watch for entertainment was Ellen Degeneres, or James Bond. If neither of those were options, the TV was off. It’s a crazy perspective taking care of someone at the last stage of life knowing it’s their time to go – you blatantly see what matters most to them. You always hear that in quotes or see it viral videos but I’m here to tell you that to experience it is one of the most re-centering thing I’ve ever gone through. It’s such an important reminder for myself as I’m writing this. The point is whatever elicits a smile, YOU CLING TO AND YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN. My dad and I always had “things” we did together throughout allll of life – watching Ellen was one of our last “things” – I got to the nursing home or hospital pretty much every day by 3 PM so we could watch together and laugh – I forever cherish those laughs.
So fast forward through the next few years after losing him – whenever I would think of it I would put my name of the waitlist for tickets but was never contacted UNTIL JANUARY 3rd 2019 – the perfect way to start a new year! Not a doubt in my mind who I wanted to go with because only my mom would understand what this meant. We were on the standby list & numbers 305 & 306. As we finally walked into the studio it became apparent we weren’t going to make it in, which meant we would be re-booked for another show (we were more than fine with that). But last second we were the final two people they took in. Unfortunately, we were also the only two people that got split up. At first I was bummed because sitting together/DANCING together was supposed to be part of the experience, but I just let it go and tried to make the best of it….(sidetone look for me on TV dancing my heart out alone/up on my neighbor! 😂)
THE VERY LAST GUESTS that Ellen brought on happened to be sitting in the crowd as she showed their viral video. It was a video of a daughter dancing with her terminally ill dad, she spun him around in a wheelchair as they embraced. Immediate water works in the back row. WHAT are the chances that this dad/daughter sequence is happening on the day I’m there in honor of my own dad. They got their dance, and he passed away 2 weeks later. She brought the couple on stage, and her mom was in the audience. Their story eerily related to ours down to the dad loving to watch Ellen in the end. The show was dedicated to her dad and their ending was so beautiful. I can’t describe the feeling, but somehow I know I was meant to be in the room for that, like my dad was their too. Do you ever get those feelings you can’t quite describe?
To be 100% honest, I’m scared of the day I get married. Mainly because it’s something I feared my dad wouldn’t be here for all growing up because of his age – and that became a reality. But when I ponder about this experience I can’t help to think it’s my dad telling me it’s going to be okay. He’s still here. He always will be…
And if you think that’s far fetched….take this lesson from it. Through grief we try to find meaning in the simplest of things – anything to reassure that we will be okay & able to move forward. Anything to make us feel like our loved ones are also okay and that this all happened for a greater reason. LET US. I think it’s beautiful, creative, and one of the most meaningful ways we feel connected as a whole. The world offers enough resistance, questioning, and shutdown on its own. Let us live in these lightbulb moments that can’t be explained, but only felt. I don’t think our mission is necessarily to solve our own puzzle in life, but rather to realize we we are a piece of a much larger one.
Love you all and thanks for reading. Would love to hear your thoughts.